allow me the fantasy

it’s funny how i can move through my days, cooking, dishes, teaching, laundry, driving, reading, walking, when out of the blue a bit of writing bubbles up.  usually it starts as a mantra. today the mantra was “allow me the fantasy.” as the story came alive, the old shame reels countered each victorious imagined reality. and as i’ve learned, the antidote for shame is empathy.  i’m grateful for this space to share and show more of myself. every note, message or word i get from someone sharing their story or dousing mine with empathy makes some of that victory real. thank you.

so tonight i allow myself to share again from the uncomfortable, awkward, horrific, all too common, mysterious place i’m in.

both

allow me the fantasy

allow me. allow me the fantasy that can be debunked and disproved. allow me the fantasy that fills me with a quiet knowing like i’ve never known. allow me the fantasy that shifts my body to a warrior-like stance, a smile sneaking out. allow me the fantasy that my experiences had purpose.

allow me the fantasy that i’ve been a cohort with the divine.

allow me the fantasy that i’ve been a conduit for love. that i’ve been chosen. that i’ve been determined fit for the job. that i’ve been part of a tireless cosmic evil-trapping.  that i was trained in the womb and began working on the day of my birth.

allow me the fantasy that i couldn’t understand, so it filled me with terror. i couldn’t understand, but every slow touch released another’s pain. every threat released another’s fear. every quick grab released another’s anger.  every lingering hand released another’s loneliness. that unbeknownst to my mortal child mind, i lured it in and held it captive: pain, fear, anger and loneliness.

allow me the fantasy that my alertness has had purpose. that when i sensed danger in someone and breathed in, i really did take their fear and make love.  that by staring into the left eye of someone, i really did see their soul.  that when i wanted to, i really did turn invisible. that when i looked directly at animals and babies, we really did understand each other. that when i pulled the exact number of straws needed, i really was honing my skill of synchronicity.

allow me the fantasy that when things get harder, it’s because i really am stronger. allow me the fantasy that when i get stronger, darkness really does try harder. allow me the fantasy that fighting the dark is easy. allow me the fantasy that way back when, my fleeing outran darkness, my freezing interrupted darkness, my charming confused darkness.

allow me the fantasy that i was a dead end for the evil. that it came to me, entered me and couldn’t leave.  allow me the fantasy that i was the one who captured it and kept it safe, releasing the offender and protecting the world.

allow me that.

allow me that so i can face all that is in me.

allow me.

it makes it easier to feel the pain.

it makes it easier to fight back.

it makes it easier to lose the shame.

and allow me the moment when i move on knowing this may just be a fantasy.

one way or another, pain to power, dark to light, lead to gold.

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