my wide eyed self on this earth for forty years

rosy cheeked, wispy hair

calling myself dee dee, knowing my place in the world

running naked in the austrian mountains, on your mark get set go

getting found when lost at preschool, the stained glass adding color

owning a brown messenger bag knapsack for kindergarten, a plastic lined front pocket

sitting on my first grade desk under the kind allowance of our teacher, legs swinging over the edge

hunting for mushrooms in the forest preserve, posing for a picture

holding the weeping willow’s branch, swinging across the chasm of ditch

wearing white high top gym shoes laces undone, riding a red and gold bmx dirt bike

folding the flag in perfect triangular fashion, keeping it off the ground every day after school

acting as peter pan in the school play, my pouch full of gold glitter feet clad in felt

taking pictures, sending film off in the mail for developing delaying gratification

moving to a town where kids sat outside at night, acting braver than cars

learning to drive, the broken board of the garage causing no shame

riding mopeds barefoot in cut-off levis, white tshirts, the eagles from our lips

thin and crispy pepperoni mushroom pizza dipped in creamy italian, red coach our next stop

hand sewn prom dress, little children watching me leave

card games on a dorm room floor, peaches and cream carpet cleaner

nude volleyball under the full moon, women suddenly all the same

sitting in a wading pool inside, three of us not too many

claiming a classroom as teacher and student, the windows making one wall

wearing my grandmother’s dress, my mother’s shoes, committing to love

dole passionfruit juice in a home that felt absent of adults, npr chiming the day’s news

shelves from bricks and boards, creating a job that was all i wanted

fertility chart on bright yellow cardstock paper, an elevated temperature through day 39

mama toto lotion from the body shop across new skin, white bottle with blue lacy font

holding my baby in a red polka dot jumper, signing a contract with a name that still felt new

batik fabric holding earthly remains, rainbow yarn knit to welcome my son

women committed to saying god and fuck in the same sentence, cheese and homemade jam

lamenting over the existence of the tv show survivor, later hosting a party in its honor

dishes the colors of the rainbow, three decades of life determined a fiesta

life cereal with cold milk in a hospital bowl, breakfast in one hand another baby in the other

bubbles with preschoolers and elders, grandpa gus drinking the bubbles like a shot

getting the high score on a pac man game, moments later a worker pulling the plug and loading it up

chicken strips and every dipping sauce available, diet coke cooling the warm greasy air

sir isaac lattes, red and yellow coffee shop setting the stage

painting my door red, finding the right balance of orange and pink

standing in a room with people i knew twenty years earlier, energy made clear

eating tamales with no question of what, men dancing to high school musical as dessert

with strength and choice turning smoke to fire, wholly tired and satisfied

my wide eyed self on this earth for forty years