it will be easier going home

“it will be easier going home.”

home

that’s what i said to micah when we were on a one mile run today (side note: i realize the gift this is).  we were heading west into the sun but also into the breeze. we were on a slight incline and the high today was in the low 30s.  it will be easier going home; the wind will be at our back, the sun will still be on us and we’ll be going downhill.  that was all the motivation we needed.  and it was easier.  it was fun.

that phrase kept floating around my head…it will be easier going home.

home

what are all the homes for us?  at what point do we reach the top of the hill and then begin the ease of heading down?  or is it like the flint hills around here….with peaks and valleys.  why do we talk only about getting to the top of the mountain?  the climb up is satisfying, with legs that feel alive and cheeks flushed with energy.  but isn’t coming down one of the greatest parts?

home

i’m living in to the awareness of who i am more than ever before. i’m working to accept and claim my anxiety rather than pretend it is an interruption of who i am. i’ve increased my medicine again…this is a hard thing for me who doesn’t even like to take tylenol. but when i wake with stomach churning and limbs tingling, or when i feel a prickle on my neck and my mind won’t settle, or if i have to think to chew my food and all i want is perspective, or if i am preoccupied with why i feel this way and no one else does, i will do what i can to feel like myself again.  and a pill seems to help.  my body loosens, my mind settles, food tastes wonderful, i’m not worried, i’m able to rest.  it bolsters me for the next incline with a cold breeze in my face.

home

i’m grateful for the valleys…the cozy ones.  the ones with soft grass and maybe a little creek.  the ones that are the reward after that long climb up and swift run down.  the valleys that let me rest, see where i’ve been, open my heart to be prepared for what is to come…

my aunt heidi died this week.

home

i heard the message, tilted my head to one side and gave a slight nod.  huh, so this is what happened next.  the mystery is so wide.

some would suggest she went home. i trust, i have to, that in those final moments of her life the breeze was at her back, the sun was shining on her and she was going with ease to a home more complete than we can imagine.

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3 thoughts on “it will be easier going home

  1. Such valor to write this out. The way you weave a circle from a run with your son, through anxiety, to a death. Astonishing. I, too, prefer take the wind in the first half. And I am sorry about Aunt Heidi.

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  2. Thank you. Thank you for your life. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for your courage. You are a gift far more than we could ever have imagined or dared to ask for. We love you dearly. Mom & Dad

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