my bucket list…lord willing.

i so seldom allow myself to think beyond what i have.  i don’t remember making christmas wish lists when we were little.  i don’t feel comfortable praying for what i want, only that my heart would be prepared for what is to come. i’ve never made a “bucket list.”

home.

i’ve been gently challenged on this for years and i appreciate the accountability.  am i simply afraid to ask for what i want?  am i afraid of being disappointed?  am i really just this content?  have i not experienced enough hardship to know what it’s like to be on my knees in need?  am i so self-absorbed that i care for my needs and don’t need anything else? is it simply a control thing?

home.

i invited eliza and micah to make christmas lists the other day.  they both scoffed and said that it wasn’t fun to write down things they knew they couldn’t get. i found myself encouraging them to ask for things just for the sake of asking.

dang, that is a lesson for me!

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years ago i first confessed that i don’t have a “bucket list.” there isn’t anything that i hope to do before i die other than each moment.  again, the challenges came.  (and again, i appreciated them.) “don’t you want to be a grandmother?,” i remember being asked.  well, sure i do, but isn’t that totally out of my control?  in fact, isn’t every single moment?  isn’t a second from now?

i often think about the culture that claims the concept of “lord willing” as a constant awareness.  i’m going to stop at dillons for lettuce after work, lord willing.  yes, we can come for supper friday, lord willing. we’re going to chicago for christmas, lord willing.  i’m going to make coffee in the morning, lord willing.

honestly, that is what goes through my mind whenever i commit to some earthly plan.

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but i know we are called to ask and dream and hope and plead and wish…and i love the creativity in that. it could be like grown-up imaginary play.

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well, i think i’m making progress in this “bucket list” mentality. just tonight we were musing on the big lottery thing going on. instead of writing it off as something that would just ruin our lives, i started imagining. what if? what if we did have all the money we could imagine? what if we could do anything we wanted?

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first thoughts came faster than i thought they would…college for the kids where ever and forever how long they wanted. then i’d like to build a house with mini houses attached for our parents with money aside to hire full time care for them when needed.  i assume we’d pay off bills and car debt.  i assume we’d share it. i assume we’d need financial advice. i assume we’d deal with confusion. but the initial dreams came fast.

home.

like the poof of newspaper lighting with a match, the dreams came. maybe i’ll work on this some more. it was kind of fun.

what’s on your bucket list?

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7 thoughts on “my bucket list…lord willing.

  1. What’s on my bucket list? a.lot.of.things.

    I agree with E and M that it is not fun to write things that we know we will not get or hard to get.
    And yet you are also right, at the end it was kind of fun.

    I am living some of the things in my bucket list I wrote years ago :)

    Keep on making the list, friend! When you look back, you might be surprised on how many things you cross out from the list because they are done :)

    I love this post, reminding me of my own bucket list. Thanks!

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  2. This is a beautiful post, Kristin, and it completely resonated with me — what you’ve drawn out here is the duality of being alive, with our futures unknown, and our minds made for imagination and creativity. I sense that much unhappiness comes from wanting things we cannot have, and so it is good not to want too much, and your contentment may rest in your great and particular appreciation of what you have, which is one of the reasons I love your blog so much. But allowing yourself to imagine other realities, dreaming, that is what calls out change, that is what inspires us to become other than what we are. It can be frightening because we may be called out of our comfort zone. It can be frightening because it may force us to recognize things in our lives that we are unhappy with, and that we may be afraid we cannot change. What to accept, what to fight for? We have to live with our own discordances. I think your prayer is perfect as it is (maybe because it’s the same prayer that I pray): make me open to what’s ahead, prepare me for what may come. Thank you for opening my mind and helping me gather my thoughts this morning.

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  3. My bucket list includes building my own canoe and landing in a floater plane. There are many other things I can envision, but those two have always been enough (well, long ago, becoming a mother was also on that list).

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