i so seldom allow myself to think beyond what i have. i don’t remember making christmas wish lists when we were little. i don’t feel comfortable praying for what i want, only that my heart would be prepared for what is to come. i’ve never made a “bucket list.”
i’ve been gently challenged on this for years and i appreciate the accountability. am i simply afraid to ask for what i want? am i afraid of being disappointed? am i really just this content? have i not experienced enough hardship to know what it’s like to be on my knees in need? am i so self-absorbed that i care for my needs and don’t need anything else? is it simply a control thing?
i invited eliza and micah to make christmas lists the other day. they both scoffed and said that it wasn’t fun to write down things they knew they couldn’t get. i found myself encouraging them to ask for things just for the sake of asking.
dang, that is a lesson for me!
years ago i first confessed that i don’t have a “bucket list.” there isn’t anything that i hope to do before i die other than each moment. again, the challenges came. (and again, i appreciated them.) “don’t you want to be a grandmother?,” i remember being asked. well, sure i do, but isn’t that totally out of my control? in fact, isn’t every single moment? isn’t a second from now?
i often think about the culture that claims the concept of “lord willing” as a constant awareness. i’m going to stop at dillons for lettuce after work, lord willing. yes, we can come for supper friday, lord willing. we’re going to chicago for christmas, lord willing. i’m going to make coffee in the morning, lord willing.
honestly, that is what goes through my mind whenever i commit to some earthly plan.
but i know we are called to ask and dream and hope and plead and wish…and i love the creativity in that. it could be like grown-up imaginary play.
well, i think i’m making progress in this “bucket list” mentality. just tonight we were musing on the big lottery thing going on. instead of writing it off as something that would just ruin our lives, i started imagining. what if? what if we did have all the money we could imagine? what if we could do anything we wanted?
first thoughts came faster than i thought they would…college for the kids where ever and forever how long they wanted. then i’d like to build a house with mini houses attached for our parents with money aside to hire full time care for them when needed. i assume we’d pay off bills and car debt. i assume we’d share it. i assume we’d need financial advice. i assume we’d deal with confusion. but the initial dreams came fast.
like the poof of newspaper lighting with a match, the dreams came. maybe i’ll work on this some more. it was kind of fun.
what’s on your bucket list?