sunday morning, on the couch, both tuned in to screens:

are you going to lay back soon?

what?

you’re leaning forward.  are you going to lay back soon?  

uuuuuh, no, i’m going to get up.

okay, i just needed to know.

:: :: :: ::

it is the mostly selfish part of my gut that doesn’t recognize the sheer beauty that this is.  to be watched and wanted is nothing to take for granted.

the recurring requests for my whereabouts in the house, the slight panic that can ensue when i’ve gone outside without announcing myself, the nearly constant contact of a foot or an arm or a full body lean.

i can cringe and spin in thoughts of how i have hovered too much, helped knit that strong leash that still tugs. i can hear defensive thoughts in my mind:  i tried to get them to take pacifiers!  i tried!

and i know that it’s good, it’s fine, they’ll find their ways, we didn’t mess them up more than can be fixed, we’ve given them tools and encouragement to notice what’s lacking and make moves to heal {and i am actually proud to say one of my children informed me that even though life is really good, it’s going to be so much better when she’s a parent…that IS the way it should be}, on and on and on.

i will treasure those moments not only in my mind but the corners of my gut and heart.

and to continue the notion that there is something to learn from everything, i’m now thinking of this short leash concept for my own life.  what if i had a child-like awareness of the divine?

how often do i wonder where the divine peace of god is in my life?  is it there?  is it here?  wait, is it RIGHT here?  is it RIGHT here or is it across the room?  does it see me?  is it watching me?  can it hear my announcements of where i’m going for a few minutes?  can it hear my announcements of my return? do i have to go somewhere to find it?  where is it going next?  can i just lay here and touch it?  can i keep going with my day but walk within a few feet of it?  can i venture farther away but call out just to make sure it’s close?  can i keep talking without even needing a response?

and maybe i’m moving towards that place of action…to shortening my leash to all that is good and right and holy, trusting that there is more presence and patience than i will ever exhibit.

{and just to keep balance, let me now admit that ever since i first typed the word “leash” i’ve had “who let the dogs out” in my head…and i probably will all day…WOOF-woof-woof}