how are you?

anyone:  hey, how are you?

me:  {pause and have all these thoughts and more in about 2 seconds:  how am i?  how AM i?  how am I?  really, how am i?  how has this day been?  how have my kids been?  how are things with jerry?  how about my family?  how about my friends?  my work? the people fighting in war?  the hungry children?  the quiet ranchers?  the women who spend all day adding the same 4 screws to a cabinet?  the bone deep lonely teenage boy?…}
i’m  fine.

because i am fine.  in the most center part of my gut, fine.  in the layers just under my skin, fine.  and usually on the surface, fine.

but at the same time, i am absolutely lost in those around me.  especially those i know most, i am how they are.  i am hardly happy if they aren’t.  i am cranky if they are less than stellar.  how i am is how they are.  my sweet friend, mabel, and i copied each other for quite some time the other night.  “let’s be happy…be mad…be happy…be sad…” i am how you are.

sadhappy.madsilly

i spend more time alone than i ever have in my life.  i just realized that now.  as of this school year, i’ve had a handful of mondays all alone.  no preschool, no kids, no husband. it’s grounding and quiet.  filled with toast and coffee, closed doors and computer on.  i never wanted to be alone.  now i look forward to it.

fine.

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p.s.  tonight i find myself particularly grateful for this blog space.  it’s a bit of an odd thing…wondering who is reading…wondering who isn’t.  so you who are, thank you.  i really do hope you are fine.

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12 thoughts on “how are you?

  1. So glad you’re fine and that you are finding the joy of some time alone. After a work week spent really focusing on the people I’m working with, I love evenings and weekends alone.

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  2. “I am how you are”. I could make a giant sign in my house with those words and it would teach me a lot. You teach me a lot. I am very thankful you have this space. :)

    Like

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