when i was separating the eggs for easter paksa, i felt like i was NOT old enough to be doing this.
i felt like i was faking it. pretending that i know how to separate eggs. look confident and fool the world, right? i was the only one in the house, but i felt watched. not in a freaky way, but in a way that i was aware of my position in the world. i am a grown up. and i am cracking an egg and pouring it back and forth.
often i turn off the lights in the house for night and get a little head spin that i am the adult in this house. that i am in charge of paying the mortgage. that i am the “woman of the house” as i was asked recently. my hair is graying very quickly suddenly, enough to have people raise their eyebrows and say, “hey! nice hair!” wow. when will i feel old? does everyone make the shift at some point to being comfortable as the one in charge?
i act like it. every day. like elaine telling jerry, “fake, fake, fake, fake” i cook and clean and pay bills and find the cat and cut hair and answer messages and sign papers and sleep in pee (not my own yet) and clean up pee and clean up poop and clean up vomit and talk about how old the kids are getting.
wisdom out there?