8 years ago, i was denying reality. i read and reread the softened pages of my books that said bleeding and even light cramping can be normal in early pregnancy. i took comfort in my nausea, a sure sign that hormones were running strong. i listened desperatly to others tell stories of successful pregnancies after days of bleeding.

then the morning came and my head spun when i let my mind catch up with my body.

i am amazed what september brings. i am amazed that i know exactly what i was wearing, where i was, how it felt to lose that dream. i remember jen looking me in the eye and not telling me it would be okay, but that i could do it. that i was strong and could do it. i endured the pain, the waiting and then the release.

i looked at my daughter’s face, saw my husband pace in front of the windows and the mystery of god was widened.

now i look at micah and know he couldn’t be without that miscarraige. i look at eliza and smile at god’s good sense. i look at naomi and am grateful i knew that ease of carrying a child.

we buried that little star baby as naomi called it. we planted a tree that bore apples. i have my own quiet moment whenever i eat an apple. i nearly blush at my grief, surprised that it still exists.

i had to describe myself as an intro to a parenting talk i gave a few months ago…the journey so far…

as a child I was tender and shy
as a teenager I was wandering pretty far from the shore yet passionate about children
as a college student, I fiercely hoped to be a mother one day
as a newly married woman, I patiently longed to give birth
as a mother of a newborn, I felt I had arrived
as a mother of a toddler, I was preoccupied with wanting another
as a mother of one and pregnant with another, I felt successful
as a mother who miscarried, my world crumbled
as a mother who miscarried, I was determined to have another
as a mother of one and then another beautiful one, I nearly collapsed under the weight of complicated grief
as a mother of two, I survived by a devotion to making life sweet
as a mother of two, life began to feel complete
as a mother of two getting older, my plans were being made
as a mother with plans, I was surprised with a pregnancy
as a surprised mother, I was scared and honored
as a mother of two and then another beautiful one, my cup ran over
as a mother with a full cup, I commit myself to knowing more than what is right in front of me