divided self

i used to feel like i was balanced, that i had different roles, but like a seasoned waitress carries her plates, i held them all evenly.

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now i feel divided.  i literally switch aprons between preschool and home.  i switch shoes between inside work and yard work.  i switch computers between work and photos.

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i’m running back to the kitchen to grab one plate, deliver it, then grab another, then go get the one i just delivered and put it back, then go get another one, on and on.

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i’m not sure it feels worse, just different.  as i am able to spin my reality, i can suggest that by being divided, i am truly in the moment i am in.  or i can suggest being divided shows i am moments from falling flat in the middle of grabbing those plates.

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i did have a wonderfully rich time at preschool orientation tonight…32 little lives, nervous and excited.  me feeling a bit like mama hen graced with dozens of chicks.  oh, the honor.  and then the pang of how to bring that enthusiasm home…maybe i should keep my preschool apron on.

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my mom comes tomorrow and then some serious work time begins.  bring it on.  i think i’ll give her some plates to hold.  i bet they come back squeaky clean.

9 thoughts on “divided self

  1. I was actually picturing Mr. Rodgers as you started writing. Changing shoes…changing sweaters. Somehow he made it look like a natural, normal rhythm of change. Carrying his calm, positive energy with him no matter which direction he was going. I think you and he have a lot in common!

    How wonderful to have your mom come. A precious, precious gift.


  2. just think how good you are becoming at holding many plates at once! someday you might have a career in the circus.

    i know what you mean about feeling divided between tasks, attempting balance. with the kids off at school the even keel rhythm to our days has been replaced by serious fragmentation. i’m sure we’ll find a new rhythm, but right now i’m left reeling. and tired. new schedules and new roles always make me tired. all day i’m looking forward to the oppportunity to lay down in the quiet dark. this too shall pass. enjoy your mom’s visit!


  3. Don’t worry. All those plates will come back into some semblance of order…hopefully soon! I sent a hug for all of you with your mom on Sunday.


  4. Yes! I can so relate to the feelings you so aptly put into words. Your word pictures are amazing! Having your plates coming back “squeaky clean” . . .I love that!


  5. You should have seen what I saw on Monday evening: a neighbor four-year-old in fancy dress and white high heels, twirling with possibility, leading her parents across the street. She had just come back from pre-school orientation. I am so happy for her and her family. …And filled with sweet memories of last year.


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